This is pretty damned funny

See more Jack Black videos at Funny or Die

So much for boxing being the "Sweet" Science

I think my favorite part of this clip is Jim Lampley commenting: "...which prompted Vargas to knock the ever-living shit out of him."

Men-on-men-shirtless-kissing, making men weak in the knees for centuries now.

Pensive, I am

After a quick googling of my ex-girlfriend's name, I've discovered that she's married and has a new name. Not only is she married, but was married almost a year to the date after we broke up. It feels a bit weird that I was with her 2½ years, and since then (Jan 2007), she: (got over me [possibly, maybe she was just sick of me by that point]); met someone; started a relationship; got engaged; and got married within 13 months.



I'm neither bitter, nor upset. And, I wish nothing but the best for her. It just feels a bit odd -- somehow the math doesn't add up. And, I'm certain that math is the exact same reason we didn't add up.

For the Nerd in You

1790: Samuel Hopkins, of Philadelphia, Pennsylvania , received Patent No. 1 on July 31, 1790, for an improvement "in the making Pot ash and Pearl ash by a new Apparatus and Process." The patent was signed by President George Washington, Attorney General Edmund Randolph, and Secretary of State Thomas Jefferson.



I went to college with a lot of guys who made a lot of pot ash. Oddly enough, they never paid royalties.

It's a Jungle Out There

In my efforts to become a dating member of society, as a member of a dating website I was sent an "interest" notification from a woman who has HSV-2. I'm no doctor, so I googled. Results: Not good. Turns out HSV-2 is not just the name of a ship.

Here I Come to Save the Day!

Last night while grabbing something out of my car, I heard a cry for help. It was a woman across the street calmly, but loudly asking "Sir! Sir! Do you have a phone I can use? My dog is having a seizure!"

I ran in the house and grabbed my phone, and then back out to the canine in distress. The woman called her son to come pick her and "Beau" up. Turns out Beau was a rescued dog, and is susceptible to seizures. It's kind of strange seeing a dog have a seizure -- he was just kind of tranced out, and twitching. The woman assured me Beau would be fine, he just needed some more meds.

Beau snapped back into shape as the son's car pulled up. I think he'll be fine.

Surreal.

Vegas Baby!

Yes, friends, I am in Las Vegas, drunken-posting at 0543 EST.

The tallies to date:
-$150 gambling
-$85 bar tab
+18 oz, rare prime rib
+3 hooker propositions (0 accepted)
-12 hours sleep lost over the past 2 days
...staying up all night getting drunk and watching lounge acts perform "Funkytown", priceless.

I think my favorite quote of the trip was when a dude I was playing video poker next to stated that he had once met Marvin Gaye on the street (the lounge act was playing Marvin Gaye at the time) -- and Marvin asked him "What's goin' on?" (dude was not even trying to make a joke).

I've missed Vegas...

The Lovers, The Dreamers, and Me.

Sometimes, I think mankind doesn't stand a chance.

Water Drinks Michael Phelps

America's newest Superhero, Michael Phelps, has officially arrived! He has his own fun facts page (only rivaled by the omnipotent Chuck Norris). Enjoy!

http://michaelphelpsfacts.com/Welcome.html

10 Movies to see before you die

As a follow up to the 10 books you need to read before you die, a survey was done on the 10 movies you need to see before you die. It seems they've broken them out by genre.

Drama: The Godfather. One of my absolute favorite movies, ever.


Romance: Titanic. This movie was actually surprisingly good. As a general rule I do not like period pieces, because I know how they end (SPOILER: The boat sinks)...but I found the love story in Titanic compelling.


Classic: Gone With the Wind. This is high on my favorite reads list, and thus makes it very low on my favorite movie list.


Action: Batman Returns. I'm not sure I agree with this one. But I do enjoy this movie.


Sci-Fi: Star Wars. Another of my all time faves. Although, I think the Empire Strikes Back would get the nod in my book.


Horror: The Sixth Sense. This is an awful choice for must-see horror movie of all time. Insert the Omen or the Exorcist and I'd be happier. The reason I hated the Sixth Sense so much? Because I figured it out in 15 minutes. "I see dead Bruce Willises"


Teen: The Breakfast Club. Hard to argue with this choice. Who doesn't love the Breakfast Club.



Musical: Moulin Rouge. I hate musicals. Period. With a gun to my head, I would put West Side Story light years ahead of Moulin Rouge.


Comedy: The Naked Gun. Although I did like the Naked Gun, there are so many better comedies to put ahead of it. Wayne's World, Austin Powers, Old School, Swingers, Office Space...I could go on.


Foreign: Amelie. I enjoyed this movie. I can't say that I've seen a lot of foreign flicks, but I think I would put Life is Beautiful and Enter the Dragon above this one.



So where do you weigh in on these choices? DJ Skittles: I'm looking your way!

Death Pool

They say celebrities always go in threes...

This weekend we've sadly lost Bernie Mac:



Then we sadly lost Isaac Hayes:


Who will be #3?

I'm putting my money on Muhammed Ali

Hail to the Redskins!

No. I'm not a 'skins fan. Well, not directly.

I do like when the 'skins are on TV though, that is the optimal time to get anything done around this overcrowded town. Tonight, I went to the market to get my victuals...and I was expecting to have to fight for parking, as I always do. Instead I found something similar to this:




I came home a few minutes later to find that the Redskins were on TV. Coincidence? I think not.

PS: It is also very advantageous to golf during 'skins games

On the soapbox: E-Cheaters

There's been a lot of buzz in the media about the website ashleymadison.com, which is a dating website that promotes infidelity/affairs. Overall, the feedback I've heard/read about this site is to condemn the website for promoting such behavior. What the fuck is wrong with people. Seriously, it's not like the website forced anyone to cheat...



People have been purveying vice for centuries (casinos, strip clubs, pimps, drug dealers, bar tenders) -- how is this any different? What happened to people taking responsibility for their own actions. Would anyone's marriage be vastly improved if e-cheating didn't exist?

Project Runway!

The D has inspired me to play fantasy Project Runway...not exactly the natural progression from playing fantasy sports. I hope trash talking is not frowned upon! 'Cause I'm throwin' down!

I'm Half Well Read!

There was an internet survey of 10 books you must read before you die...I've read half of them; as a general non-reader, I'm impressed with myself. Even if the list is not exactly loaded with what are commonly considered literary classics.

Here's the list:
Gone With the Wind*
Lord of the Rings*/2
Harry Potter
The Stand*
The DaVinci Code*
To Kill a Mocking Bird*
Angels and Demons
Atlas Shrugged
Catcher in the Rye*x2
The Bible



I only read half of the Lord of the Rings -- reading about trolls, elves, wzards, hobbits, and whatnot got boring after a while (allegory be damned)...the movies had started being released, and frankly, I preferred the eye candy.

But, I did read the Catcher in the Rye twice. Once when I was 15, once again when I was 30...I'm sure I'll get more out of it at 45. It was an eye-opener re-reading this work...as a 15 year old, to me, Holden Caufield was a rebel and an anti-hero -- as a 30 year old, to me, he was just an insecure prick. Why this is mandatory high school reading is a mystery to me. I don't think a 15 year old can see the intracacies of what Salinger is trying to convey...at least this guy couldn't.

The Stand and DaVinci Code were good page turners...I enjoyed them both for what they are.

Angels and Demons and Atlas Shrugged are definitely on my to-read list...Harry Potter and The Bible, not so much.

Gone With the Wind is by far the crown jewel of this list...great book. A book so good it made me hate the movie (which is widely considered in the Top 3 movies ever made, but then again Citizen Kane did nothing for me).


So, Intrepid Readers, which of these have you read? and what were your impressions?

Watermelon - the other blue pill

Scientists at Texas A&M University have found that watermelon has the potential to act as a natural Viagra. Ya know...my mother mentioned this to me earlier today (insert your own Woody Allen joke here)-- and then I saw my neighbor hauling an 8 pound mellon up the stairs a couple of hours later...I didn't connect the dots until now, at 1:45 in the morning...

I love this commercial

Enzyte Bob!

This commercial is not great because it is about male enhancement -- It's great for all the double-entendres smuggled into the copy...

Bob is "chubby" with a "sack-ful" of pride...as things heat up on the north pole...I applaud you Madison Avenue. Well played.

WTF flavored ice cream

I stumbled upon this item at the grocery store today:



Drumstick flavored ice cream? Isn't that like having a Snickers flavored candy bar? Or a cheddar flavored cheese?

Fun on the 4th

I had a great time with the peeps tonight...I even got to sing the anthem to the Greatest American Hero...

However, catching a cab on U Street is no picnic...the is the 2nd time I've had a considerable amount of trouble getting a cab back across the Potomac Curtain...

Fortunately for me I met Rob, a down on his luck guy just trying to make a couple of bucks...Rob took me in his car (not a cab) home...He was a nice fellow and I deliberately overpaid him...for being a nice guy and for being the only person who would drive me home...

Thanks Rob.

I know getting in a car with a stranger is not the wisest choice...It's not like he was a Bigfoot!

America! Fuck Yeah!

I have yet to figure out this freakshow's game -- but he stands on the corner of Columbia Pike and George Mason Blvd. in the A-town with his hat and his bad dance moves. In other words, he's the perfect metaphor for America! Happy B-day America! And, thank you for the entertainment, Mr.-I-wear-a-big-stars-and-stripes-hat-and-dance-on-a-street-corner-in-Arlington guy. I hope we never make eye contact while I'm waiting at a red light...

FLO-RIDA

So, I booked my travel plans to be a Flo-Rida later this month.

The plans are for golf, relaxation, more golf, booze, etc...more golf...more relaxation, more golf, boobs...etc...etc...more golf...more boobs...etc...etc

So I've seen the layout of one of the courses I'm going to play. This hole scares the shit out of me:



...and that is in addition to the the 'gators who will be coming for my tasty fat ass. Does garlic fend off gators?

Furr Burger

NPH...does not disappoint...

Sunday Stone-a-thon

So -- I just finished watching "How High" starring Method Man and Redman...this is an underrated cinematic achievement. Aside from being a couple of brothas who happen to get into Harvard (an homage to "Soul Man" in a reverse they're-not-white-kind-of-way), they manage to insert into the plot line that they need to smoke the remains of John Quincy Adams in order to pass their finals...quite the plot twist...and, may I say, a stroke of cinematic genius.

So, I decided to google "Smoking John Quincy Adams" and I got this quote which JQA stated after he quit smoking butts:

'I have often wished that every individual afflicted with this artificial passion could force it upon himself to try but for three months the experiment which I made, sure that it would turn every acre of tobacco land into a wheat field, and add five years to the average of human life'.


God speed the other members of the Wu Tang Clan who can provide me more "The More You Know" moments. If only Ol' Dirty Bastard had heeded such wisdom.




Up next: Harold and Kumar go to White Castle...hopefully Neil Patrick Harris has something insightful to say.

A Night at Nationals Park...

I went to the Angels v. Nationals game with Rob tonight and we had a great time. It helped that we had perfect weather, and the Angels kicked ass.

However, I was forced to confront myself. I made a conscious (or even conscientious), sober decision to not hit-on/flirt-with the 23 year old law student who was sitting in front of us. Unconscious and/or unsober, this story would have a different ending I'm sure. 23 years old...it feels like yesterday, but it was a lifetime ago (or at least a third of a lifetime).

Was it Wisdom? Experience? Foresight? or a huge Lapse in judgment? -- no clue -- I suppose Siobhan will have to weigh in on this thing.

Maybe in 30 years I'll have the wisdom, experience, and foresight to make a different decision. Hey, it worked for Tony Randall...but then again, he's dead.

What is Wrong with People?

I just gave a raise to someone at work, whose reaction was basically, "Thanks for nothin'." -- except it could've been a raise for nothin'

I think I'll have to get this person a T-shirt.

Back in the Doghouse

Internet re-activated!

I'm sure me talking to the nice kid in India at 3am last night appreciates that I spent the prior 7 hours with The D and Young K cruisin' H Street.

Sunday Un-Funday

So I've opted after another endorphin tingling Saturday-it-don't-matter-Day to not play along with Sunday Funday.

My internet broke...'cause some asshat didn't pay the bill...

My bedroom flooded yesterday with that biblical style monsoon that rolled through here for 10 minutes -- water just gushed down through my ceiling light fixture...and I have a ceiling fan -- so it was extra fun that the water got sprinkled evenly across the entire room.

So that leaves me at a Starbucks in a mall on Sunday afternoon catching up on my e-stuff...

Unfortunately, the highlight of my day was eavesdropping on 2 elderly women discussing the virtues of owning a Jockey made brazziere.

Irish Car Bomb

OK. I ripped this photo off from the District, because it cracked me up to no end. Irish Car Bombs are the BOMB!

Smell the Glove!

So I found out Monday that I'm on the company softball team. Problem being...the only glove I own broke a couple of years ago.

So I rolled out to Dick's Sporting Goods and bought myself a nice softball glove -- something that should last me at least a decade of weekend warrior stints out on the mall.

Something I hadn't done in decades was break a glove in...luckily, like riding a bike, once you learn you never forget. I remember getting my first glove with my father, oiling it up, stuffing a ball in it, and wrapping it tightly. I remember my father telling me that I'd have to wait at least a week for the oil to work its magic before I could use it. The torture of the delayed gratification is probably something analogous to telling a released prisoner to go to a whorehouse and take his time.

Oddly enough, I remember my father telling me that I had to store the glove under my bed -- probably his little psychological ploy to keep it out of sight and out of mind. Didn't work. Like picking at a scab, I'd open that thing up every night and marvel at the metamorphisis taking place.

I think I'll have more restraint this time -- I don't even need to keep it under the bed.

Broken Fridge

Ever have your refrigerator break?

Ever not notice that it broke for a few days?

...yeah me neither {sigh}

PS: Why is there a "d" in the word "fridge" but not in refrigerator?

Take me Lord -- I'm ready!

Does Solly's offer this and wake-hosting as some kind of funeral preneed package?

Cost: $3 + the cost of the wake

http://www.usatoday.com/news/offbeat/2008-05-04-beer-coffin_N.htm

Getting Home

I make my way back to the airport and get there one and a half hours before my flight. It takes me a full hour to get from the Metro station to my locker to the terminal and to the gate. I got there with barely enough time to use the restroom before we boarded.

The flight was long (8 hours) but not too bad.

I'm happy to be home.

Museum of Ham

I stop for lunch at Museo de Jamon (The Ham Museum!). I have bocadillo de Jamon (Ham sandwich) which is just a crunchy bagette with a thin slice of ham. But the ham is incredible!

Madrid Metro

The Madrid Metro is a lovely system. It's clean, timely, and has television!

Palacio Real

The Palace is elaborate and lush. The audio tour takes only about 1:45. The Palace is nice to see and all, and I'm glad I did it -- but it's not mind blowing or life changing. I'm far more impressed with the cityscape of Madrid.

Madrid has lots of clean streets with new buildings intermixed with the old.

Terracotta Man

He's fragile, he's decorative, he's a beautiful adornment. He's Terracotta Man!

Madrid

I disembark and I'm jazzed that I can read the signs and ask for things in a native tongue. Now my Spanish isn't great, but I feel empowered knowing that I can ask for directions, count my money, and figure out the Metro system.

I stuff my bag in a locker - armed with only a camera, I take the train to the Palacio Real (the Royal Palace). I'm able to get from plane to audio tour at the Palace in 1 hour. I'm pretty impressed with myself.